Tuesday, 31 December 2019

I’m going to make a beautiful life for myself, no matter what it takes

The amount of times I’ve tried to ‘reinvent’ myself and the many different ways I’ve attempted to do so is inspiring to a degree, but would definitely warrant a comment about it happening more frequently than you’ve had hot dinners. It’s a vicious cycle; I find myself in a slump, feeling uninspired, sad and unmotivated, then find a little spark inside me that leads me to create a Pinterest board, start a new “plan of action” on my Notes app and find a fresh characteristic or personality trait I wish I had. But despite these little bursts of excitement and ‘hope’, that spark always seems to fizzle out; I don’t know if it’s the fear of it all going wrong again, a lack of motivation, guilt that I should be doing something else, or an overruling sense of uncertainty that this time it is what I want. And I’m fed up of it, so I’ve decided that I’m not going to let that happen anymore. I think I must have found some fire lighters because this spark’s growing into a great big flame. (oof perhaps a bit early to drop a metaphor that cheesy).

These frequent updates of myself come with different methods but ultimately work to meet the same goal of making myself into a better person. Whether it’s fluctuations with career changes, between losing a substantial amount of weight or just learning to apply confidence to where I’m at and go from there, or even the type of person I want to present myself as to everyone else; all I want to do is build myself into a stronger, happier person. I want to find myself in a life where I'm surrounded by love, doing things I enjoy both for work and as hobbies, where I'm someone that I'm happy being and that those I care about are happy with too. But according to previous experiments, this is quite the difficult task. But I like a challenge, so there’s no way in hell I’m going to give up. 

2019 has been an interesting year. And while I stand by the phrase "grow through what you go through", I don't really feel like I reliving them all in a list! On the flip side of that, there's been a lot of things I've done this year that I'm proud of and lots of nice memories - so I might relive a couple of those...

↣ I organised and ran a kids' disco in February in aid of the local carnival
↣ I started learning to drive (I was meant to have my test on 12th Dec but it got cancelled due to ice šŸ˜ž)
↣ Went to a local vintage weekend in a Dior-style 1950s dress and then got to visit the Christian Dior Exhibition in London (which was just incredible and I was in awe of everything) in May
↣ Set up a youth organisation in my town - starting with an assembly for the primary school, then council presentations, which then evolved into our starter project of a kids' book exchange (July)
↣ Finished my year as carnival queen by crowning the new one and being a steward for this year's parade (July)
↣ Was on the team of an SU mission - where I gave two talks to the 11-13yo age group I was with and a testimony on the Sunday prom praise about how I came to faith (August)
↣ Donated blood for the first time (September)
↣ Dressed up as Piglet and Nessa from Gavin & Stacey in the space of a week (December)

featuring Poppy as a Christmas Tree, Dea as Winnie the Pooh, me as Piglet, and Rae as Eeyore

With a new year and a new decade starting tomorrow as I’m writing this, I’ve decided that I’m not going to set any resolutions this year - and not just because they end up as promises I can’t keep. I’m not outlining goals that are inevitably going to end up as failures or things I feel bad about for not meeting. I’m fed up of being ashamed of myself for setting targets that are unadaptable to unavoidable changes, I’m not going to waste any more time feeling guilty for not reaching a goal that may have been far too ambitious before I set out doing it. I’m not going to be my own barrier to success anymore. That stops now, I need to get out of my own way. Because what's stopping me? What actually stops us from being the people we want to be? Nothing can if we refuse to let it.

My resolutions usually stem from stopping myself from doing something or (often forcefully) encouraging myself to do what could be considered superficial things, but to ‘lay the foundations’ as I start to 'build' this beautiful life, I’m going to let myself do a few things. I’m going to let myself accept there are some things that I can’t do alone. I’m going to let myself accept that change comes over time with hard work, I’m going to let myself lean on the fact that some things are just out of my hands, and I’m going to let myself accept that not everything has to be ‘perfect’. I’m going to let myself feel things that hurt instead of pushing them out the way, and I’m going to let myself love without fear.

But of course, there are some things I'm looking forward to for the next year (and decade!) that I think are also worth a mention:

↣ for the youth project to grow more and more, and for our ideas and plans to come to life
↣ officially setting up my small fashion/textile business and developing my skills over the year (which is probably why my parents got me this very suitable t-shirt for Christmas, in the photo below šŸ˜‚)
↣ meeting my friend Hanna in Germany in person (that I met through pen-palling in October 2017)
↣ being on the SU mission team again (it had been an ambition for over a decade before I joined this year so I'm looking forward to doing it again)
↣ being able to start a 'new chapter' of my life in the summer
↣ seeing what this 'beautiful life' has instore for me

from @emmawarrendesign (on Instagram)

Now I don’t know what this ‘beautiful life’ will look like - I have a few ideas about the smaller things and maybe a vague outline of the bigger ones that I'd like to happen - but as yet, I don’t really know what’s going to happen. And that’s okay with me. Fortunately for me, I’m a “lady of faith”, so I can sit quite comfortably in the fact that what will happen is out of my hands to an extent and that whatever may happen was supposed to. This doesn’t mean my hands won’t shake while I’m sat in that thought or that I won’t find the harder parts difficult, but as I said in the title - I’m going to work hard towards this life, however it may look and no matter what it takes. I know things will often go wrong, and there will be hurdles for me to leap over and hoops for me to jump through. I know I might find myself in a slump again, where I get worn out and tired of trying to keep up with what I’m meant to be doing and what I want to be doing. I know that it won’t be easy, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try.

A ‘beautiful life’ is subjective to everyone and every situation, but I hope that 2020 has something truly wonderful in store for you.

Take care,
love, Lottie x